New/Improved Longest Thread

[Squishy3]

Dunno if anyone here owns an iPad but the first episode of the BTTF game is permanently free on it, and there's also a free app that comes preloaded with some text adventure games (including Zork) and lets you upload other ones to it through an FTP. It's called Frotz.

[Wyrmidon]

sock, and my work doesn't know how to pick up the goddamn phone  >

EDIT - DERP, I had the wrong number programmed on my phone.  :-X

[k0ala]

happy redditversary, Caff

[Dtrain323i]

So, my cousin (who I'm very close with), worked in a nursing home, and realized a few months back that they didn't follow the proper procedures for disposing of biological waste (human waste, blood taken, etc.) Rather than contacting god-knows-who, getting them shut down and making himself essentially unemployable, he decided to take advantage of the situation (btw, he's a big dumpster diver in his spare time - even been arrested a couple of times), and so he started stealing vials of blood. Now, I'm not too clear on why he started doing this. So far as I know, he just got bored and started stealing bottles of blood. Anyway, so he called me up one night and asked what to do with half a gallon of human blood. Eventually, we decided to put it in a big ultra-thin latex condom, mix in some soap and insecticide, and hang it from the patio next to a bright light. Worked wonders. Next day, dozens of dead mosquitoes all over the porch.

We probably should have switched to pigs blood at that point, but we weren't sure where to get any, so we basically said 'fuck it, don't fix what ain't broken'. It kind of became a competition after that - who could get the most blood. Then, about three months later, he came home with about a gallon and a half of human blood, which was about as much as we normally collected in two weeks or so.

Needless to say, I asked where he'd got it. After explaining that he had not, in fact, killed anyone, he told me that he'd found out that they didn't guard the bodies of the recently deceased. He took me with him the next day, and showed me. The system we ended up working out was as so: the night watchman never came to the... morgue room, I guess? Creeped him out. So, my cousin would come in during business hours, find out which bodies were likely to have an autopsy. After closing time, the two of us would take the others, run a rope over some pipes on the ceiling, and haul the corpses up by their ankles. Then, he'd inject them with an anti-coagulant, use a cattleprod on them a few times to get the stuff distributed, and then stick a pocket knife in their jugular vein. I shoved a bucket under them to collect the drippings. Now, at this point, we had about, oh, fifty gallons of blood in mostly-used condoms hanging up around my front porch, and the neighbors were starting to comment. I ended up putting paper bags over them and claiming they were part of my religion. Didn't seem to decrease the effectiveness any.

Now, this went on for longer than I'd care to admit. I guess we got careless. Now, you have to understand that this nursing home was grossly understaffed. They'd been having financial issues, had laid off a bunch of staff, and really were not equipped to deal with the narcoleptics, the alcoholics, or the plain old alzheimers cases. So that may explain why I don't recommend this method of pest control. So, there we were. We'd done this maybe six times before. We were feeling pretty good about it. We swaggered in through the bad lock on the cafeteria door, he used his keys to get us to the morgue room. We grabbed the first corpse, strung it up, drained it, no problems. Grabbed the next one. He wore gloves, tied up the feet, I threw the line over, hauled him up there. We took the gowns off first to avoid blood stains. Now, this was an old man, so his flaccid manhood was bouncing around at belly level. I kid you not, he was hung like a horse. He could have given a horse intestinal tears. I very nearly threw up.

So, as we tied him up, he got an erection. Wasn't the first time one of the old farts had popped a stiffy (it's actually pretty common for the first day or so after death), so we just tried to ignore it, avoid getting smacked in the face with it, and avoid making any kind of eye contact. We hit him with the anticoagulant, zapped him a couple of times with the cattleprod, and then sat back to let the stuff work. After maybe three minutes, my cousin gets up and stabs him very casually in the throat.

Now, to this day, I have no idea what the fuck happened. My best guess is, a senile old guy forgot where his room was and lay down on one of the tables. The cattleprod must have knocked him out, and the stab wound woken him up. Whatever actually happened, what we ended up with was a screaming, naked old guy, boner flapping in the wind, hanging upside down off the ceiling with a knife sticking out of his neck, thrashing around and splatering blood -everywhere-. Now, my cousin and I looked at each other, looked at the guy, made eye contact, and then my cousin, my favorite person in the world up till then, made a run for it.

Evidently he forgot to disable the security system on his way out, because he tripped the silent alarm and the police were there within a couple of minutes. Now, I was trying to do the right thing, stop the bleeding, get the guy down, but it was really a two person job. I had somehow ended up grabbing his cock for leverage.

I really don't know what the policeman thought when he rounded the corner and saw me, standing over a bucket of blood next to an old dude tied to the ceiling, bleeding out, with my hand around his boner. All I know is that, in accordance with my parole agreement, I am required to recommend strongly that you do no, under any circumstances, use this method of pest control. I am not explicity forbidden, however, from telling you that it worked pretty damn well.

[Chief]

......

wat

[Wyrmidon]

......

wat

[KarthXLR]

[Didzo]

............

|:

[Squishy3]

I feel like I've read this story before.

[copulatingduck]

seen it on reddit at least twice before




edit: still owns though

[A. Crow]

that was fucked up. 

[Duck, Duck, Goose]

A Note to Americans, Especially the Young

[rumsfald]

Seaman Duck.

(just missing the biceps)

[Squishy3]

I went to bed in the buff and woke up in clothes with no idea how they got there. Apparently I'm a really good sleepwalker.

[matter11]

I went to bed in the buff and woke up in clothes with no idea how they got there. Apparently I'm a really good sleepwalker.

there have been certain incidents in my life that could indicate I sleep walk. No hard evidence though and I doubt I usually do.

[A. Crow]

When I was in basic training, we had a dude start sleep walking in the field on the final FTX.  Well, I say "start" but he could have been doing it in the barracks too without much notice, but when a mother fucker gets up in the middle of the night and wanders off into the woods with an M16, it's an issue.  Long story short: they literally dummy corded his ass to his battle buddy.  That night on watch, there was a string of 550 cord from inside his sleeping back into the one right next to him. 

[Versus]

lol

my brother used to sleep walk a lot (with occasionally hilarious results). i've only done it a couple of times

[Luinbariel]

My brother had a friend over once when I was quite young. I was sleeping in my room with the door open when suddenly this kid walks in in his underwear. He tries to make me get out of my bed, so I just... get out. He gets in.

I just kind of stare at him and then call my dad in. I must be like... four or five. Dad comes in to see this scrawny little nerd kid in my bed and he just about flips his shit. He manages to get the kid up and walk him back to my brother's room, and the kid is asleep the whole time.

In the morning, he had no idea what happened, and it was kind of funny in retrospect I guess.  Still.

[Squishy3]

The most extreme case of sleepwalking I had was I was at a family reunion in the boondocks of New York at a place called Mohonk Mountain. Sleepwalk down to the lobby, and wake up outside in the parking lot. (I was not in the buff during this one, I was wearing a shirt and pajama pants) I couldn't remember my room number, so I go up to my parents and they called my brother who was the person I was sharing a room with. I left the door wide open. I haven't drank Mountain Dew before going to bed since.

[[SiN] Merc]

I once slept walked a quarter mile barefoot in the snow to get underneath my grandma's kitchen table.